Congratulations on Not Catching Fire!

Being drunk on the trampoline isn’t necessary the worst thing in the world. It’s kind of expected, actually. People get wasted on trampolines and bounce. They’re more injury prone, sure, but they’re usually quite relaxed and have a good time doing their thing on the old trampomoline.

But not you. You’re kind of a dick whenever you get something. And when you get wasted the dickishness gets that much worse. So today, when you down a bottle of schnapps alone and decide to get on your son’s trampoline and bounce and bounce and bounce while throwing small, hard objects at the children around you, it’s not going to be cool. Definitely not as cool as you think it is, at least.

And when you finally topple off the trampoline and crack your skull against the tile surrounding your pool, there’s a reason no one is going to run to dial 9-1-1. You’re going to deserve that wheelchair you’ll be getting, prick.

Congratulations on Ruining Your Son’s Birthday Party!