Congratulations on Avoiding a Lengthy, Unpleasant Conversation With Your Ex!

When you show up to see your ex at the hospital you won’t come bearing flowers. You won’t even come bearing a smile, just a computer bag and a weight on your shoulders like you wouldn’t believe. You’ll spend the entire elevator ride up to his floor chewing your lip and wishing you were better at avoiding consequences, or at the very least better at drinking yourself into a constant state of oblivion like Shelly, your crazy bitch of a roommate.

But you always try to do the right thing, even if you try to do the right thing by yourself first and everyone else second. So it’ll be kind of a relief when you show up in his room and he’s passed out in a traction harness, his face twisted in an expression of agony. This means you won’t have to talk to him. You’ll just leave your note to him filled with your list of reasons for leaving him on his bed stand and head back to the elevator.

As you ride down you’ll feel lighter, the knowledge that you did the right thing shining in your mind. And as you make eyes at the male nurse in the elevator with you, tracing the outline of your aerieola through your shirt and pressing your tongue into the side of your mouth to give him the impression there’s something in it, you’ll know that deep down you’re a giver, and you just gave your ex the greatest gift of all: closure.

Congratulations on Avoiding a Lengthy, Unpleasant Conversation With Your Ex!