Congratulations Bosom Buddies Fan 69!

Online dating is tough. Especially when your profile is designed to proudly announce your love of the seminal 1980 sitcom that launched Tom Hanks’ career and the act of performing oral sex on a partner who is also performing oral sex on you.  It’s not that these things aren’t universally beloved: they are!  But they aren’t necessarily things you announce about yourself upon meeting.

That means your OkayCupid profile, which primarily centers around your love of 80s TV and a sense of sexual openness, has been a barren wasteland of no messages for nigh on three months now.  You take quizzes and answer questions and find matches, but none of them seem to pan out and become dates.

But today you’re going to get a message from a young woman.  Her profile picture will show her stretching out a t-shirt as big as it can go, making a mockery of the concept of obesity, as she beams outward at the world.  The shirt will have a screenprinting of Balki and Larry embracing uncomfortably.  Her other pictures will consist mostly of her wrapped in blankets in front of televisions.

Hey, her message will proudly announce, I’d love to hang out with you and drink beers and maybe watch TV if you’re down please let me know on here you seem cool!

Her frantic sentence will warm your heart.  Her come hither look will make you message her back right away with a:

i’d love to meet you

and then two nights later you’ll be there at her house in Southeast Portland, a six pack of Deschutes in one hand, a nervous smile on your face.

You’ll sit on that couch and watch Night Rider and Three’s Company and reaching over to her knee after three beers and letting your hand rest there underneath her hand and then letting her lean in and awaiting the moment before the moment where PerfectStranger88 lets her lips rest on yours and for a moment the television of the 80s isn’t the only endearingly stupid thing in the room because the two of you will, for a few moments, become the kind of people we love and find annoying instead of the kind of people who just annoy the shit out of us.

Congratulations Bosom Buddies Fan 69!

Congratulations on Meeting Your Online Stalker!

The Quizno’s will be nearly empty, an all but unheard of occurrence for the part of Brooklyn you’re in. There is no such thing as an empty Quizno’s near Fulton Mall. That is, unless something is very, very wrong.

He’ll be seated towards the back wearing a panama hat and a pair of dark glasses, just like in the picture he sent you. He’ll look worried, like he’s not sure you’re going to show up. Well, you’ll say to yourself, time to rock his world.

When you sit down across from him he’ll look surprised.

“Cheryl?” he’ll ask tentatively. You’ll nod in response, smiling. “You look different from your pictures.”

He’ll be referring to the pictures on your OkayCupid profile, which won’t have been updated in almost three years. They’ll portray a much, much heavier you with skin problems and some pretty clear self-esteem issues. There will also be a few that are just your cleavage from that time, which was pretty awesome.

You’ll shrug at him. “They’re old pictures. I should probably update them.”

He’ll look uncomfortable, gazing past you. After a moment’s hesitation he’ll tug on the brim of his hat and stand up.

“Well, it was good to meet you,” he’ll start, but movement behind you will distract him again.

“Seriously?” you’ll ask him. He’ll have been badgering you about this meeting for almost four months at this point, a ceaseless series of instant messages, emails and one very sweet and entirely inappropriate handwritten letter with a comic strip that portrayed you, circa two years ago, on a bear skin rug. It was kind of sweet.

He’ll nod at you, a jerking motion that carries his whole body up and down.

“I was just interested in murdering you and taking your skin to make a dress. James over there wanted to wear it.”

He’ll point to a slender young man in jean shorts with thinning hair and a pair of aviator glasses on. The young man will wave back.

“There really isn’t enough of you to work with. Sorry for the trouble,” your stalker will say, tossing money on the table.

You’ll just sit there, your honey mustard turkey unwrapped in front of you, surprised at how the whole thing turned out. You knew there was kind of a risk that someone online wouldn’t turn out to be who you thought they were, but you didn’t think they’d ever be that shallow and materialistic.

It’ll make you reflect on the nature of online dating. It’ll make you wonder if it was worthwhile to lose all that weight if you aren’t going to flaunt it. And, most of all, it’ll make you start looking at boy’s asses in the room, lamenting the spread of man at this particular Quizno’s.

Congratulations on Meeting Your Online Stalker!

Congratulations Bieberfan69!

You’re a Justin Bieber fan, like so many young people of this generation. There’s just one problem: you’re a heterosexual male in your mid twenties. This means that no one, I mean no one, in your community can really relate to your feelings towards Bieber.

“He’s a fascinating pop figure with a great deal of talent,” you’ll post on a message board dedicated to the purpose of discussing the young mister Bieber.

“hez sooo hawt,” a young woman named bieberonmimind247 will respond. “i wnt 2 mrry hmi!” she’ll declare for all to see.

These aren’t the kind of conversations you want to have. You just want to be able to sit down and talk about your two loves: Justin Bieber and the mutual reception of oral sex by a pair of consenting adults of different sexes. Turns out there are painfully few straight, of age members of the Bieber community, however, and your plight will go unheeded by the vast majority of the Bieber fan population.

That is, until you discover OkayCupid.

More a social experiment than a dating site, OkayCupid is dedicated to matching up weird fucking people with other weird fucking people, whether their weird interest includes finance or fucking each other while wearing plastic masks clearly intended to be part of a children’s Halloween costume. You won’t have known about it until this morning, when a friend told you to make a profile and mention how much you like Justin Bieber and head.

By noon the profile will be up. By one PM you’ll have seven posts from various lesbians who thought you were a woman because of the long hair in your picture, soliciting you to “lick their hairy love cracks.” By four PM Ms. Right will have message you, asking if you’d like to meet up for coffee and chat about the way the online Bieber community kind of alienates you, and how it seems like way too many lesbians are in to a singer who is actual super hetero.

By October the two of you will be married. You’re welcome.

Congratulations Bieberfan69!

Congratulations on Your Sweet Scar!

It’s one of those ones that runs over your eye and makes people think you’re a badass. As long as you don’t tell anyone that it was caused by a Lego related incident you should be able to milk it for a lot of Poon™. You’ll be the most in-demand single dad in town if you play this right.

Congratulations on Your Sweet Scar!