Today you will be named dad of the year. This unprecedented and, in our eyes perhaps overly hasty decision, will come on the heels of your making a batch of home-made ice cream for your daughter, just ‘cause.
It will not take into account the various counts of racketeering, fraud, homicide, accessory to homicide, attempted homicide and orphan rape that you are currently under investigation for.
We cannot say for certain that these charges will lead to your eventual expulsion from the hallowed group of Dads of the Year, but we can say, more or less for sure, that you’ll probably be seeing a lot less of your kids in the not so distant future. So start making those moments count. Maybe you could do something fun with them, like learn to fashion shivs out of the various objects you find around the house. Or experiment with how much stuff you can pack into your rectums as a team. Just a thought.
Congratulations Dad of the Year!
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