Congratulations on Falling Out with the Church!

“I just don’t think fucking kids is right,” you’ll declare quietly while sitting at the Secret Catholic Club’s fancy dinner table. Then the room will go quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop. Everyone will have stopped eating. Occasionally someone’s robes will rustle, but for the most part the stillness will be suffocating. Then a chair will screech as the Archdioses of Boston rises to his feet shaking his head.

“BURN IN HELL, HERETIC!” he’ll cry, flicking holy water on you. You’ll sputter as it goes into your mouth and spills down your shirt. You’ll want to flip shit and hit him in the face, but he’s your church superior so it’ll be a no-go. You’ll just have to stand there and take it.

He’ll keep at it a good long while, hurling various relics and reliquaries at you and chanting non-sense in what sounds like but actually is not Latin while he circles around you. Dinner will have been over for a long while when some of the other members of the Catholic church finally step up and take him to another room where he can get wasted on sacrament and throw rocks at an old man with a beard they pay to walk back and forth in the Vattican basement.

Once he’s been removed you’ll be shuffled off too, but not to a fun place where you get to abuse the poor. You’ll be taken to a secret underground meeting room where the Pope will be waiting for you. He’ll be looking particularly evil this evening, with dark rings under his eyes and his fingers constantly touching by only the tips.

“Good evening,” he’ll say, smiling unnervingly.

“Hey Pope,” you’ll say, doing a little semi-circle wave at him. He’ll nod back. Then he’ll lick his lips and begin.

“Your controversial opinion regarding the sexual abuse of children is a bit much for some of us,” he’ll sigh. “We cannot have such dissenting voices within the church.” You’ll sit, struck dumb.

“Thinking we shouldn’t fuck kids is controversial?” you’ll say, puzzled. He’ll immediately shush you.

“Please, my child. The walls have ears here.” He’ll drum his fingers on the desk as he considers just what to do with you. “Excommunication would be imprudent, given your record and the circumstances.” Then he’ll make a sucking sound through his teeth. “How do you feel about Alaska?”

You’ll stand up and bow to the pope, then walk out of the room, your shoulders drooping a little. You didn’t want to have your career with the church go this way, but sometimes it happens. At least you’re going to Alaska instead of one of those molesting priests. Maybe you’ll even be able to do some good there. We don’t know, we’re not that good at this future thing. For now we’ll just say Congratulations on Falling Out With the Church!