Congratulations Celebrity Golf Tournament Loser!

At every celebrity golf tournament there’s one guy who isn’t a celebrity or a golfer. He’s just there. He’s running around trying to get photographed with famous people and scoring free samples of erectile dysfunction medication and hair-regrowth supplements. Today you’re that asshole.

You’ll show up in your battered Mazda Miyata from 1997, which you refer to as your chariot, fifteen minutes late with your name tag already affixed, not that anyone will notice. Then you’ll cruise on in, blue blocker glasses affixed to your face, and start pressing flesh.

You’ll have shaken hands with Matt Damon, Carla Gallo and that kid from Superbad before anyone even starts to catch on. It’ll be about nine holes in.

“Who’s that asshole?!” Jack Nicholson will loudly declare while pointing at you. People surrounding the aging actor will harrumph loudly and look where he points, sizing you up in your stained khakis and ill-fitting polo shirt.

“Jack Jefferson,” you’ll declare loudly. “PGA Junior Tour winner, 1983.” Then you’ll pop your collar and grin smugly at Jack Nicholson, thinking about how shitty every single movie he’s made since Batman has been.

“Well fuck you!” he’ll shout at you, hurling a glass full of whiskey at your head as he does so. You’ll duck deftly, no stranger to the perils of celebrity golf tournaments, but you won’t back down.

“Calm down please, sir,” you’ll say, patting him on the arm while attempting to steal his wallet. “I have every right to be here.”

He’ll slap your hand away and grab your wrist, firmly attached to your hand which is now clutching his wallet.

“Fucking thief!” he’ll holler. Then he’ll start trying to punch you, but he’ll be way too drunk to land any hits. He’ll just kinda spin and fall down, carrying the two of you to the ground.

At this point security will show up and toss you both out. It’ll be kind of embarrassing and normal for both of you and you’ll go home, saddened by the loss of the free hour d’ouvres you were going to eat in lieu of dinner that night.

Congratulations Celebrity Golf Tournament Loser!