Congratulations on Expanding Your Cultural Horizons!

Everyone loves culture. Music, plays, books, movies. Whatever. Who doesn’t like being entertained? Well, you apparently.

All you ever really do is react aggressively against the new things you encounter. The only cultural input you actually accept is from the various tent-poles of American culture that have long populated our landscape, things like country music and action movies.

You only really like to engage cultural institutions if you know for a fact that they’ve been vetted for, that they’re certifiably American, which is itself a bit of a misnomer since American culture is heavily reliant on a mish-mash of cultural influences. The point is that every time your wife asks you to come out and have some new experience with you you always tell her to go fuck herself.

So far you’ve instructed your wife to masturbate when she asked you to attend the following events: an Anamanaguchi show, a Rick Ross concert, a Sufjan Stevens musical extravaganza and a Steve Martin routine. The point, here, is that you’re kind of anti-American and really just an old fogie at heart. And today your wife is going to prove it.

“Let’s go see an opera,” she’ll say.

“FUCK YOU WOMAN!” you’ll scream. But immediately afterwards you’ll feel kind of curious. “What’s the opera?”

She’ll smile at you. “Ave Maria. It’s about the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock.”

You’ll leap up from your seat, knocking over your bowl of cereal and upending your chair in the process.

“Let’s do it!” you’ll declare, pumping your fist into the sky. She’ll smile slyly and order the tickets off the internet.

When the two of you settle into your seats you’ll occasionally stand up and shout things like “Yeah, fucking America” and chant “USA” a few times while waiting for the show to start, but once it actually starts you’ll sit in your seat in silent, rapt attention.

The entire presentation will demand your attention. Even though they’ll be speaking Dago or some shit for the entire show you’ll be completely unable to look away. The experience will be singularly captivating. Towards the end you’ll stand up and shout “AVE FUCKING MARIA YEAH!” and people will actually applaud your enthusiasm, since most operas are pretty boring and it’ll actual liven up the show that you just found so interesting.

Your wife will be pleased with herself. At least, at first. Within a week she’ll be sick shitless of you constantly insisting that the two of you go to see opera at every possible opportunity, having gone to three shows inside six days. Finally she’ll just tell you she’s gay so that you’ll freak out until she makes you watch her fuck a chick, which it turns out you’ll actually like a lot because that shit is hot, and it always has been.

Congratulations on Expanding Your Cultural Horizons!