Congratulations Unconventional Game Show Host!

Yesterday you were just another douchebag monster made of heroin who aspired to be on game shows. Today you’re a star of the strangest variety: a monster made of heroin who is pretty good at trivia but not very lucky. And tomorrow you’re going to have some amazingly good fortune.

You’re going to get a call on your phone, the old land line that never seems to ring anymore. You’ll be watching your performance on Jeopardy!, smarting from your harsh defeat and sipping off a PBR. You’ll think about going for a jog to clear your head, or maybe packing and smoking a bowl just to chill out. But then you’ll pick up the phone and your whole world will change.

The voice on the other line will be vaguely familiar. “James Tannington,” he’ll announce to you. “We spoke a few days ago.”

Your mind will snap the pieces together. “You’re the producer guy!” you’ll declare. You’ll still be a little drunk.

“Rightroo son. How’d you like to be on television? Again, I mean.”

You’ll stammer for a few seconds. “Uhh. Err.” You’ll drop the phone, then pick it up again. The producer will be silent. It’ll be clear that this happens to him quite often. After a painful few seconds you’ll finally manage to squeeze out a “Sure!”

“Good,” he’ll say. Then he’ll rattle off an address in L.A.. He’ll tell you your flight number, your confirmation information and how to get on the plane despite being a monster made of heroin. Then he’ll tell you when you should be at wardrobe and who you should call if you have any problems with anything.

“Thanks,” you’ll stammer.

Thirty hours, one flight and three car-rides later you’ll be in a make-up chair on a sound stage in Los Angeles, having your already heroin-pale skin powdered and refined so that you’ll look right on camera.

“This is kind of new for me,” your make-up artist will admit. “It’s kind of nice, though.” You’ll smile at her and, for the first time since you’ve met her, she’ll smile like her every day isn’t a dehumanizing hell.

Then you’ll be shuffled out in front of a camera in a suit, into a test set. The producer will be standing there tapping his foot. “Ready?” he’ll ask, but he’ll already know the answer is really no, and won’t care. He’ll push you in front of the camera and just watch as you immediately grasp the concept of a teleprompter and realize what they’ve done: they’ve given you your own game-show.
It’ll be called “Kick the Habit,” centered around the fundamental novelty of you being a heroin monster who loves trivia, and it’ll be a huge hit for fifty two episodes, the full two-season run you’ll shoot prior to your arrest for being a monster made out of heroin, which as it turns out is pretty illegal.

Congratulations Unconventional Game Show Host!