Congratulations on Reasoning With Your Irrational Roomie!

“THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!”

The words will emerge like a hiss from her carapace as she points her front-most claw at you. You’ll sigh and roll towards her from your perch on the couch. You’ll have been there for three days at this point, ever since your doctor told you not to leave the house until he could confirm that you didn’t have mono. Those kids at the rec center will have been making do without you and every day away from them will be breaking your heart. It’ll show on your face.

“What’s up, Sherry?” you’ll mumble, the words barely emerging over the rustle of your stubble. Sherry will be unsympathetic, her plates clicking together as she closes on you, rising up to her full height. She’ll let loose a long, whining hiss before she begins again, rhythmically running her digits along your prone form, probing for the best place to strike, should it come to that.

“ITEMS CLEARLY DESIGNATED AS MY PROPERTY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM THE REFRIGERATOR. ICED CREAMS HAVE BEEN ACQUIRED WITHOUT PRIOR PERMISSION.”

You’ll sigh and sit up, letting the blanket slide off you a little.

“Are you sure you didn’t eat them while you were drunk?”

Sherry will rear up and roar at you, the hot, wet spittle of her breath splattering you.

“WE ARE CERTAIN. YOU INSULT US WITH SUCH PALTRY QUESTIONS. CONFESS AND YOUR PUNISHMENT WILL COME SWIFTLY.”

Sherry’s venom injectors will appear over each of her shoulders, ready to strike down if you make a single wrong move. She’ll have been this way ever since Big Brothers/Big Sisters let her go three months ago, and its been rough but she’s reliable with the rent and her name is still on the lease so you’ve just had to deal with it. You’ll run your hands through your unwashed hair, then look at the grease that comes off on them. Clucking your tongue at what you’ve become you’ll look her in one of her sets of eyes and try not to smile.

“Sorry, Sherry. I don’t remember doing that, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll pick up some more ice cream this afternoon at the store. Okay?”

She’ll click her feelers against the hardwood floor as she considers your offer. After what seems like an eternity she’ll shift from in front of the television and let you get back to watching old episodes of 30 Rock.

“ACCEPTABLE,” she’ll say, slithering off the front door. A few minutes later the doorbell will ring and Sherry will answer it.

“Pizza delivery for -“ the young Brazilian man will begin, but he’ll be cut off mid sentence as Sherry strikes with her envenomed protuberances and drags him screaming back into her room where she will feast on him later. You’ll bite your tongue and keep from muttering a snarky comment which, no doubt, would’ve been picked up by her keen senses and made the whole situation even worse.

Congratulations on Reasoning With Your Irrational Roomie!