Congratulations on Visiting Bath Like a Giant Homo!

When you get off the plane at Heathrow you’ll be almost too excited for words.

“Pardon, sirrah!” you’ll ask a towering black man smoking outside the airport exit. “Whence could I find a ticket for yonder lorry to the steppes of Bath?”

The man will lazily swat his hand at you. “Fuck off,” he’ll say, and walk away. Undaunted you’ll head over to the information desk and put your fruity ass speech to good use. The young woman there will roll her eyes and direct you to another kiosk nearby which sells bus tickets. This kiosk will, in turn, direct you to a bus where you can board with your ticket where you’ll sit in the back of the bus and make a tremendous douche of yourself to everyone who has the misfortune to speak with you.

After what seems like an eternity for everyone else on the bus you’ll arrive in the famed town of Bath.

“Cor blimey!” you’ll exclaim to yourself as an elderly man walks by, looking at you like he wants to kick your ass.

You’ll take a glance at the postcard she sent and scurry off to the hotel she mentioned, hoping to catch her there. Sure enough she’ll be sitting by the pool reading while her father swims. Her dad won’t notice you come up so there won’t be any commotion.

“Hail and well met, my love!” you’ll exclaim.

“Oh shit,” she’ll say, flipping her book over. “How did you find me?”

“Love finds a way!” you’ll exclaim at her, spitting on her a little while you talk.

“Great,” she’ll say, hunching forward so that her breasts hang firmly in front of her in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

“Cover thyself, madam.” You’ll throw a towel on her, knocking her book into some water puddled by the edge of the pool. Sighing, she’ll bend to pick it up.

“I’ve got to go back to my room,” she’ll say, striding off from the pool.

“I’ll wait for you!” you’ll shout after her, but it’ll be hard to see if she notices.

Congratulations on Visiting Bath Like a Giant Homo!