Congratulations on Tasing the Living Shit Out of Someone!

The laser will have a warmup period of roughly fifteen seconds. You won’t remember the exact scene in Real Genius that informed you of that fact, but you will remember the fact, a shimmering truth in your brain. Fifteen seconds to disarm and disable Dr. Lasercut. Smiling, you’ll know you only need five.

You won’t feel hurried as you move towards him, seamlessly covering the distance in a moment and ramming the prongs of the taser into his stomach. You’ll feel him twist as he wakes, a gesture left unfinished, a simple neurological impulse cut short by the streaming electricity of the taser. It will change into something terrible in his body, sending him to his knees and then the floor.

You’ll follow him down, stripping the laser and moving his hands, quickly and gently like a child’s, behind his back and into a pair of plastic handcuffs. You’ll draw them tight and haul him to his feet, picking up his laser, turning it off and sliding it into your belt all in the same gesture. He’ll hang from the cuffs in your arms, groaning and flopping around, trying to teach his brain how to send impulses to his muscles and get them working again. You’ll grimace as you tug him close , drawing out the caribeeners you’d hidden in your rectum and clipping them on to his belt and yours, then affixing the laser gun and his flaccid body to yourself. Then final carabeener will hook on to the weather balloon.

When it’s hooked into your belt you’ll pull the activation cord and the balloon will rip you out of the window and into the sky, Lasercut’s weight digging your belt into you. You’ll hear the C-130 coming, catch sight of the sun cresting the horizon as you rise and remember how good it is to no longer be a teenager living in suburbia as you feel the balloon catch and the plane reel you in.

Congratulations on Tasing the Living Shit Out of Someone!