Congratulations on Being Up Way Too Late!

The director’s commentary for Superbad will sound stale piped through the internal speakers of your laptop. You’ll know every joke, every word of the feigned falling out between Judd Apatow and Jonah Hill, every stammering comment by Michael Cera well in advance. Eventually you’ll pause the DVD, unwilling to take even the minimal action required to remove the disc from the drive.

A quick glance at the menu of your computer will announce the time, the technicolor desktop a reminder that she’s gone. You’ll have lost track of the days by this point, something in the double digits will seem appropriate however. No more than a month, though. Could it have been a month already? You’ll push the thought out of your head as you stumble over to your bookshelf and examine the chaotic DVDs literring the shelves.

After a while, too long, you’ll pick Knocked Up up off the shelf and stumble back over to your computer, popping out Superbad and carefully replacing Knocked Up in the i-Book’s drive.

It will be a mistake.

When the titles of Knocked Up pop in you’ll feel reassured, but as the movie continues you’ll think back to holding her hand in the theater, smiling at her as she laughed. You’ll remember the feel of her hand on your face after the showing, the light on her skin, the arc of her breast rising and falling, invisible in the pitch dark from your blanket curtains.

You’ll pause the DVD after these feelings bring tears to your eyes, still unwilling to remove a movie causing you physical pain from the player. Instead you’ll get up and leave your apartment for the first time in weeks. You’ll step outside and light a cigarette, your first in a week and a half.

You’ll only know this because the oldest piece of mail in your mailbox is postmarked with a date that could have been delivered, at the latest, ten days ago. It’s been ten days since you left your apartment, ten days of Chinese food and sick leave. You’ll do a little math and realize that you might have to return to work soon. The cigarette will fill your lungs, quelling the anxiety attack this realization brings with it.

You’ll savor that cigarette as you look through the mail, wondering why time has continued to pass out here, wondering why it can’t be like your room, wondering why she left and if she’ll ever come back. When you return to your room you’ll remove Knocked Up, but you won’t know what to put in its place. You’ll just stare at that damn blue desktop and think about what you want to do now.

Congratulations on Being Up Way Too Late!