Congratulations on Engaging in Some Polite Conversation!

You’ll be standing there in Dr. Lasercut’s office for what feels like a day, but is in fact closer to a minute and a half, staring down the barrel of an argon gas and ruby filtered laser, effective range sixty five meters. You’ll know this because of the surprisingly thorough section about Dr. Lasercut in the CIA World Factbook which you reviewed before coming to his island. You wanted to be able to accurately engage your host in conversational topics of interest to him, like oppression and lasers, and you thought learning about his weird culture would help with that.

But of course Lasercut saw through you and we all know where the situation stands now. With you. Standing. In his office. Like we just said in the previous paragraph.

“We are not so different, you and I,” he’ll demur, looking you up and down like a piece of meat or some sort of woman.

“I disagree,” you’ll grumble gruffly, staring straight ahead at his laser, watching his finger caress the trigger.

“I’m sure,” Lasercut will purr, keeping his laser pointed at you as he strafes around you, smiling. “You’re likely wondering just what I meant by that.”

You won’t nod. You won’t move at all. You’ll just be racking your brain, trying to remember if the warmup time on argon gas lasers is significant. You’ll try to remember the fact book, but the fact book was really boring so you’ll give that up halfway through and start replaying the film Real Genius in your head instead, examining the plot chronologically to be sure you don’t miss anything.

“A fair question,” Lasercut will say, now partially ignoring you. “Would it shock you at all to learn that we are, in fact, related?”

You’ll stop replaying Real Genius in your head and give him a startled look. It will shock you.

“Indeed!” he’ll declare, taking joy at your shock. “Let me elaborate on just how we are related, my dear Secretassassin,” he’ll say, sitting down in a chair and letting his traditional black cat settle into his lap.

Congratulations on Engaging In Some Polite Conversation!