Congratulations on Sleeping with Inigo Montoya!

You’re part of a very small subculture of women who grew up with the film The Princess Bride and developed a strange Electra complex for Mandy Pitinkin’s character in the classic subversive fantasy tale, Inigo Montoya. His drive, his friendship and his willingness to aid others all made him into your ideal lover and you’ll have spent most of your life trying to find men who reasonably synthesize those qualities you find so remarkable in Pitinkin’s portrayal of Montoya.

But you realize that he’s simply a fictitious character and that you’ll never find a real life Inigo Montoya to sweep you off your feet, into his car and out of your pants. As such you’ve spent a lot of time dating sexually aggressive Spanish guys who enjoy fencing, of which there is a staggeringly large number. Your incredibly high level of physical beauty will allow you to be extremely choosey, exclusively dating this very small group of men for the entire decade of your life through which you’ve been sexually viable.

But it cuts both ways. Most of these men have been so aggressive that they’ve either raped or date raped you during the time you spent together. Because you have trouble confronting people you even vaguely equate to father figures due to your abandonment issues this will have led to a large number of people bragging about raping you in the fencing community and your sister becoming an aggressive, talented and fairly wealthy criminal prosecutor.

She’ll have spent most of her adult life putting the various men who have taken sexual advantage of you behind bars, an exhausting and time consuming task that will earn her the ire of the Spanish consulate and a number of shipping companies with ties to your various rapists. She’ll be celebrated by a number of women’s rights groups and develop some high profile friends in the activist community.

That’s why you’re going to be greeted tonight by Mandy Pitinkin dressed in his original Inigo Montoya costume (which he, of course, keeps hermetically sealed normally) at your door. He’ll say your name, passionately kiss you and sweep you off your feet and into your bedroom to take full advantage of both you sexually and his delightful wife’s pass to enjoy himself for the night. It will be the single most enjoyable sexual experience of your life, even though he’ll be way older now and Inigo Montoya won’t have had a slight gut in your fantasies.

When you wrap your arms around him, still glowing, you’ll feel as if a chapter of your life has ended victoriously. Burying your face in his back you’ll breath his scent in deep, knowing it’ll all be over tomorrow and that the memory of this night is all you need to stop fucking really irritating Spanish guys.

Congratulations on Sleeping with Inigo Montoya!