Congratulations on Getting Firefly Back on the Air!

Your love of the Matrix films will serve you well today when you walk into the lobby of Fox’s headquarters, a towering black monolith of a building, and drop a duffel bag filled with guns and explosives on to the scanner. When the security guard says “Oh shi-“ you’ll punch him in the face and shoot his co-worker in the stomach in a very non-Matrix move, but the principles will have been sound and you’ll run into the elevator with your nerd task force in tow.

As it turns out, however, the security contingent for a large corporate office building is pretty light, and not terribly inclined to throw their lives away while fanatical nerds storm their workplace with the aim of killing or cowing their dickish bosses. As such most of them will just hide in bathrooms. A few executives will try to shoot you with antiquated shotguns and rifles from their days of service during the Civil War but as they are a collection of misshaped elderly white people they’ll have a lot of trouble even getting out from behind their desks, to say nothing of accurately firing antique weapons at you.

When you finally reach the Head of Fox, who is oddly not Rupert Murdoch but instead a man of infinite anonymity, completely indistinct in every way. He’ll speak in a monotone voice and when you demand that he return Firefly to the airwaves he’ll calmly rattle off all the ways in which that isn’t a tenable outcome, the fact that all of the actors have moved on to new projects and the writers and producers have also since made other failed shows. He’ll point out that many of the most beloved characters from the series were killed in the feature film and that even Joss Whedon has abandoned the project at this point, however remarkable it may have been.

After he’s finished you’ll put a gun into his mouth and force him to sign a piece of paper authorizing you a substantial amount of funding in order to bring Firefly back on the air. It’ll be enough for a full twenty six episode run, and you’ll become the new executive producers of Firefly as well as seven or eight reality shows in the trade. Thanks to recent Supreme Court decisions as well as lax murder laws you’ll get off scott free and the contract will hold up in court.

So will begin the ill-fated “Firefly Fan Resurrection” which will rival the Star Wars Christmas Special in its horror.

Congratulations on Getting Firefly Back on the Air!