Congratulations on Loving Too Much!

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed you love so hard. Sometimes you can’t sleep, you just want to keep on loving. Sometimes you love with such force that you fracture a bone or something and the doctor tells you you have to stop loving for at least a week and you tell him “Uh uh!” in your sassiest black woman voice, even though you’re a young white male. Then you and the doctor share a laugh because she’s an African-American female and inverting stereotypes is funny. And then you love some more.

It’s gotten so bad that it’s sort of hard to be around you. Your girlfriend finds your fascination with every blade of grass on the ground to be staggeringly annoying. And your boyfriend thinks that when you look up at the stars and start talking about what you one day hope to find under the sky you sound like the sort of wide eyed dreamer he doesn’t want to stick his penis into any more.

People have been cutting you a lot of slack because you’re really attractive and actually a nice person, but it’s gotten out of hand. That’s why today, at around 3:00 PM, the majority of the world is going to conference call into your cell, hoping you’ll be occupied at work making copies or something and as such won’t be able to respond.

But you’ll pick up with a cheerful “Hello world” and they’ll all laugh awkwardly in response. Then they’ll tell you that they want to take a break, that you’re too damn cheerful and that sometimes they want to just sit around in their underwear and watch old episodes of Monty Python while eating Ben and Jerry’s.

“But I love Monty Python!” you’ll shout at the phone, your arm outstretched as if it was cradling Yorick’s skull.

“WE KNOW!” most of the world will respond before slamming down their receivers simultaneously, signaling that they want some alone time.

So we suggest taking it easy for a few weeks and not contacting the last remaining group of humans who will speak to you: life coaches.

Because while the world might take you back, and soon, they probably won’t if you start quoting life coaches, who we can’t even see someone with a heart as big as yours loving.

Congratulations on Loving Too Much!