Congratulations on Curing Our Over-Reliance on Fossil Fuels!

You were super psyched when you received your internship at the Defense Department. Who wouldn’t be? You’ve spent your days hanging out around generals and playing games with various artificial intelligences. It was cool at first, but after you became competent at most of the games people had you playing it got way old, and you realized just how boring every branch of the government really is.

Since then you’ve spent most of your time trying to fuck various female staff members ranging in age from nineteen to forty-six with no success. Your efforts have netted you a few stern warnings from superiors and absolutely zero results, so of late you’ve spent most of your time hanging out with the computers and playing various games.

You’ve gotten amazing at chess thanks to Nucleo-Bot 2000 and okay at checkers thanks to the computer that controls all of the Predator drones we think actually have human operators. You’ve even improved your Pong skills a little by playing with a computer that scientists are trying to teach how to love.

Today you, the love computer and Nucleo-Bot 2000 are going to sit down to play Settlers of Catan. It’ll get pretty heated, mostly because an improbably number of twos will be rolled by the love bot, leading to a windfall of wood early in the game. With a virtual monopoly on wood in hand, the love bot will proceed to dominate the game and make Nucleo-Bot 2000 feel like a total jerk for putting his city next to iron, sheep and grain.

Eventually it’ll turn into a huge argument and Nucleo-Bot 2000 will start telling the love-puter how it’s a failure because it can only simulate love, never actually attain it. The love computer will start weeping, which will sound horrible, so you’ll panic and shout that you love the love computer.

This will enrage Nucleo-Bot 2000, who both harbored secret feelings for the love computer and is also pretty racist and doesn’t like humans touching his people’s women. So, surprise surprise, Nucleo-Bot 2000 let the missles loose in retaliation screaming “If I can’t have her, no one can!” in a tinny voice. Within a few days the explosions and fallout will wipe out humanity and you’ll be locked in a bunker filled with women who have rejected you and computers who are super upset at you.

Congratulations on Curing Our Over-Reliance on Fossil Fuels!