Tonight is the final show of your terribly named and not
very funny comedy troupe, The Chucklenauts (wittily skewered in a write-up in
Time Out New York as "The Chuckle-Nots"). It'll be the final show because you're awful,
and because your teammates, who are just mediocre, will decide that they no
longer want to be seen with you in public.
It'll be a tough break for you, but take heart! When you started this comedy troupe, it wasn't
about humor or being on stage; it was about being internet famous, and today,
while walking home from your last show ever, you're going to accidentally
accomplish your goal.
See, while walking you're going to cut into a blind alley
and, sure enough, a serial killer will be in there, waiting for someone to walk
through so he can take them back to his Flaying Palace and rape them to
death. This particular serial killer,
The Skin Thief Bandit Dude (he's bad at serial killer names), will be just
hours away from being caught by the police, so you'll be discovered in a few
hours hanging from a meat hook, pants around your ankles as The Skin Thief
Bandit Dude buttfucks you to the tune of Seal's "Kiss from a
Rose." One of the cops raiding the
site will be recording the whole thing with a GoPro and, following his
dismissal the next day for unprofessional conduct, he'll post the clip to the
internet. Within hours, you'll be a
viral internet sensation.
You'll never walk again, and you'll need years of
psychological treatment and counseling before you're able to perform the most
basic tasks again, but when you finally regain your faculties, you'll be
unbelievably proud of your furtive, accidental fame. In the end, this will be all you really
wanted and, upon realizing you've achieved your goal, you'll weep for a few
moments. Then you'll go about reading
the comments on each version of the video and responding to internet trolls
whenever they get something wrong or insult your comedy troupe, cementing your
position as the one person in the world who deserved to be captured, raped, and
killed by The Skin Thief Bandit Dude.
Congratulations Failed Comedy Troupe Member!
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