Congratulations Mustard Baron!

Being the head of America's third biggest mustard company (we won't name names, you know who you are) is a lot of work.  But that doesn't mean you can't branch out and start manipulating the world in more general terms.  All that money you get from your mustard (and god, it's a lot of money) is just sitting in your bank account, now that it's done buying you mansions and rigging elections.  It's time to put it to work.

So today you're going to construct a ten point plan to really fuck with people.

First, you're going to build a bunch of hospitals in low income neighborhoods.  Those stupid fucking poorsies are always getting sick and muddying up your planet with their filthy germs.  If you really want to remake this world in your image, you're going to have to make sure that poor people stop getting sick so much, filthy beggars.

Next, you'll give a bunch of money to a program that actually gets poor people to go to the hospital - this is a little bit tougher, but we'd recommend some sort of free-insurance outreach program that allows people to visit the hospital when they need to, and gives them incentives, like free meals and swag, to visit the hospital regularly for checkups.

After that, you'll be famished.  Point three: eat breakfast.

Points four through six will have to do with a series of anonymous donations to various local electoral campaigns for candidates who promise serious reforms that will lower the income equality gap in both the city you live in and the surrounding area.  Again, fewer poor people in general means fewer raggamuffins accosting you while you're coming and going to and from your mustard repositories.

Point seven is a little more complicated.  Point seven involves a series of high level meetings with government officials who, through a combination of convincing rhetoric and surreptitiously applied pressure on your part, will be "convinced" to improve funding to various federal and state education programs, using a combination of personal funds, influence, reappropriations from other areas of the government and creative application of government slush funds.  That'll mean more children in school, which means more miserable children in general.

Point eight is lunch.  Treat yourself, maybe eat sushi off of a naked woman while she cries.  You've earned it.

Point nine involves one last grand gesture: the donation of half your considerable existent fortune to a massive charity of your creation which will generally work for the betterment of man.  This'll take most of the afternoon to finish, but when it's done you'll finally be able to rest assured that poor people will stop bothering you on the street.  Which brings us to your tenth and final point.

Drink a bottle of century old scotch.

You earned it, you fucking degenerate plutocrat.

Congratulations Mustard Baron!