Usually you wake up each day to see the ironically constructed name of some new future sexual conquest in your inbox, courtesy of “iwannaboneu.org,” a site which, due to some sort of regulatory oversight, managed to acquire .org status and now uses its reduced overhead and straightforward name to introduce horny singles to one another and tentatively ask them to send tapes of the ensuing lonely, desperate, often embarrassing sex.
But today you’re going to arise and find in your inbox not a collage of attractive women, new to town, who don’t know any better than to sleep with you yet. No, today you’ll arise with a message reading, much like the first word of this prediction “Congratulations!”
You’ll click on the email itself, revealing its trim, sensual body, in keeping with the website’s highest of sensual standards. The email will detail how you have boned more women than anyone else in your county over the course of the last year. It will then go on to reveal that none of these women have wanted to see you again, and that they have ranked your sexual competence somewhere between “adequate” and “needs improvement.” Then it will display a small e-card, informing you that you’ve had the most successful run in internet dating history.
It will go on to inform you that you’ve now “won” at internet dating, and that your profile is going to be deleted so that others can attempt to outdo your incredible romantic accomplishments. Smiling, you’ll star the email and go back to cooking breakfast in your huge, vacant apartment, almost completely unfurnished and undecorated so as to keep your potential sexual partners from stealing any of your valuables. You’ll wonder what this new period in your life entails. Maybe this means you can finally buy some paintings, or a TV. Then again, maybe not.
Congratulations on Winning at Online Dating!
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