Congratulations on Finding a Sliders DVD!

Today you’re going to spend your entire afternoon looking for a Sliders DVD in a Best Buy just outside of Boston. You’ll be there for forty five minutes, too embarrassed to ask any of the staff for help for fear that they would mock your dedication to a show that, in your words, “finally gave the O’Connell brothers the dramatic, comedic and action venue they deserved to showcase their incredible talent.”

You’ll be so reticent to ask about it that, instead of inquiring at the front desk, you’ll wait surreptitiously until no one is looking and then slip in the back, hiding in a box of Maid in Manhattan DVDs until everyone’s out of the store. Then you’ll hack their computer system to discover that the only Sliders box set they have is buried deep in the rear of the store on the top of a massive shelving unit.

You’ll commandeer and learn to use a forklift to reach the box in question, nearly dropping it off its pallet on the way down. Even once you have the box on the ground you’ll have to sift through what seems like a limitless number of unsold Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.

But after an hour’s search you’ll finally have it in your hands: the first season of Sliders on DVD. Clutching it to your chest, you’ll turn to flee the store before dawn, but you’ll freeze in your tracks when a swirling blue vortex opens up in front of you.

You’ll pause, waiting to see who or what emerges from it. You won’t have to wait long before, to no one’s great surprise, Jerry O’Connell leaps forth and assesses his surroundings. He’ll be taking in the warehouse and your strange attire (a Doctor Who T-shirt and Hawaiian shorts) when he spots the DVD in your hands.

“NOT AGAIN!” he’ll cry, leaping forward and striking you in the mouth. You’ll fall to the ground, dropping the DVD into his waiting hands.

“NEVER AGAIN!” he’ll shout as he leaps back through the blue vortex, letting it collapse behind him.

You’ll lay there on the concrete, rubbing your jaw and taking it what just happened. Apparently Jerry O’Connell really didn’t want you to have that DVD, even though you worked so hard to get it and all you really wanted was to enjoy it. You’ll also cluck your tongue, thinking of how fat he’s become.

“Jerry O’Connell’s a dick,” you’ll mutter to the empty warehouse, scattered with Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.

Congratulations on Finding a Sliders DVD!