Congratulations Very Sad Golem!

When the rabbi made you he didn’t make you quite right. He was a good blood, sure, but he didn’t know fuck from shit as far as women go. So he made you as he thought best: with a giant penis and no mouth.

As a result women find you absolutely enchanting, but they never want to keep you around. They’ll hang out with you for a while and have sex with your giant clay cock, but they’ll rarely stick around because most of them don’t know ASL and they get really tired of reading a giant pad all the time to figure out what you want out of a relationship. Plus your dick is kind of too big.

So you’ve spent most of your time since World War 2 (where you pretty much just killed Germans all the time, non-stop) feeling kinda lonely and work on un-publishable fiction about household appliances and neighborhood animals falling in love with the residents of a suburban community. Occasionally you work as a house painter to accrue some savings and invest it, but since you’re a golem you don’t need to eat or sleep or bathe. You’re just as happy standing still in a monastery for a decade as you are fighting crime in the sewers of New York with your best friend: Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast makeup.

But the lonely always sticks with you and really all you want, all you’ve ever wanted, is to find a nice girl to take home.

Today, while walking back from the corner store with a bag filled with nothing but cat food for the many stray cats you take care of you’ll see a young woman beset by thugs. They’ll be menacing her, shouting at her while she shakes her head in confusion. It’ll be clear she doesn’t understand a word they’re saying, but their intent will be clear to anyone looking in the slightest.

You’ll drop your cat food (which will be fine, by the way) and step in, throwing fisticuffs like you were made to. Which you kind of were.

You’ll grab one of the robbers by the skull and squeeze it until it pops in your fist. Then you’ll hurl his body at a second robber with such force that he’ll be catapulted back into a brick wall, where his head will crack sickeningly. One of the remaining two thugs will turn and fire his gun into you repeatedly, but the bullets will simply sink into your muddy flesh bloodlessly.

You’ll turn upon him, your mouthless visage staring him down, and settle your hands upon his neck and begin throttling him. He’ll drop the gun as the life escapes him, choking in desperation. You’ll take some small joy in strangling the life out of the man, staring into his eyes and seeing his sins. You’ll be so absorbed by the act that you won’t notice the young woman grabbing the gun, turning on her heel and firing repeatedly into the back of the fleeing mugger.

You won’t notice her until you finish your grim work and let the body fall from your hands. She’ll be standing there watching you, the pistol at her side. She’ll sign at you with the gun in her hand.

Thank you.

You’ll nod and sign back.

It was the right thing.

She’ll smile at you and sign back.

You speak well.

You’ll wish at that moment that you had a mouth that she could kiss, more than just a hand she could hold as you walk her home. You’ll sign back at her.

Thank you.

Congratulations Very Sad Golem!