Congratulations on Acing Your Thesis Defense!

Lately it’s the cool thing to do. You shit all over Bob Jones University. Doesn’t matter if you know your asshole from your elbow from Bob Jones’ quaintly diverse faculty. It’s just hip to call people from the south who don’t believe in evolution ignorant assholes.

But you don’t give a shit about that. Your momma raised you to do your own thing, so when you were accepted to the Bob Jones theology and archaeology PhD program you hugged her goodbye and packed your bags to learn on Domino’s pizza’s dime for eight years. And today it all comes to a head.

Your professor, a dude in a black robe who chants a lot, sometimes without really knowing what he’s saying, will lead you through a long hallway. It will be lined with torches and spiders will be all over the place, doing their spiderly business. He won’t say a word on that day, though. He’ll just lead you through the hall to a giant double door. He’ll open the door a crack and gesture at the darkness within and you’ll nod at him before entering.

He won’t respond.

Once you’re inside a single torch will light at the end of the hallway. That’s how you’ll know it has begun.

You’ll move through the hall without any real sense of where you are. You’ll just feel the rush of air as blades twist and scythe around you. You’ll slide your body around your spine, flipping back and forth as spikes slide up from the floor. Arrows will rain around you, but the torch will grow closer and closer.

Your world will be a swirl of color and light as you move constantly, guided by instinct rather than thought. When you finally reach the light the chaos will stop. Your breath will come ragged and quick, but you’ll be alive. Wonderfully alive and on the dias.

Voices will suddenly sound around you. “Well done,” they’ll announce. You’ll know that the entire faculty of your two departments, including your advisor, will be just outside the circle of light. They’ll be there judging you silently. Some of them might be holding weapons. In fact, all of them might. You won’t know.

You’ll just wait there in silence, waiting for them to speak again. When a voice finally rises anew you’ll feel a suddenly rush of relief. It’ll be all you can manage just to keep from shitting your pants right there in front of everyone.

“Your thesis was acceptable,” they’ll say. A diploma will fly at you from the dark and you’ll catch it, successfully earning your degree. Then the giant boulder will be released and it’ll be time to flee.

Congratulations on Acing Your Thesis Defense!