Congratulations Dildo Sue!

You’re a sexy, sassy deaf lady whose apt wit is often lost upon people who don’t know any sign language. It’s not the life you chose but the life that chose you. But you haven’t let it make you bitter.

Instead you’ve turned your focus inward, becoming an amazing writer of scathing diatribes published on everything from spring fashions to food to politics. You’re one of those people who can only exist in New York, a solitary creature constantly being paid for opinions that most people couldn’t give two shits about. You work constantly to voice opinions that you cannot voice in public, opinions all the louder for your silence.

But despite your grand intellect and staggering, ethereal beauty (deaf chicks all get bonus points for their seemingly unnatural ability to not hear things) you remain alone in the big city, living by your lonesome with your cat and your dildo, whose name is Sven.

You and Sven get a lot of alone time together, which is fine. It’s how things should be when you’re busy and don’t want a relationship. It’s only a problem when you start to see it as one, and, as of yesterday, you’ve decided that you see it as one.

But don’t despair. At 11:50 yesterday that giant dude who rescued you from muggers? Turns out that dude was actually a golem. He’ll be older, which you dig. And he’ll be smart and know how to sign, which is a huge plus. So today you’re going to lead him home at about 12:15 in the AM, after he’s saved your bacon, and let him into your apartment.

It’ll be filthy, covered in wine bottles and notebooks with half-finished ideas in them, but it’ll be yours. You’ll notice that Sven is on a table right away and you’ll turn bright red.

Sorry, you’ll sign. I wasn’t expecting company.

He’ll sign laughter back at you. If he had a mouth you know he’d be smiling kindly.

You’ll want to kiss him where his mouth should be, but you’re not aware of the etiquette regarding golems and kissing. So instead you’ll get on your knees, remove his pants and take his big clay dick in your mouth. It’ll taste of earth and moisture. It’ll taste right in a way you won’t be able to describe. It’ll grow hard under touch, which will be surprising, but when you feel the golem’s hands moving upon you you’ll know that it’s a good sign. And when he draws you up and looks deeply into your eyes you’ll know that you’ve found something special.

Congratulations Dildo Sue!