Congratulations Monkeyfucker!

You’re a janitor in a lab where they do monkey research and it’s not the worst job in the world. You work a nine to five where you get to mostly do your own thing, listening to music and occasionally watching monkeys solve puzzles. Sometimes, when the scientists aren’t looking or they tell you it’s okay, you just hang out with monkeys. You get stoned with them, hang out and chill. They’re actually really cool, as are most of the scientists.

The only problem is that something has happened recently in your life. You’ve realized you might be gay.

It’s not that you’ve found any single man particularly attractive. Nothing so easy as that, I fear. No, what’s happening here is that you’ve realized, after years of fucking women, that you just don’t enjoy it very much. It’ll occur to you when you’re looking at internet porn at 12:17 AM this morning.

“Man, this isn’t doing it for me,” you’ll mumble at yourself as you watch a penis ram in and out of a vagina in an intense closeup. You’ll zip up your fly without finishing and head to bed, puzzled but not overly frustrated.

And this morning you’ve already caught one of those monkeys looking at you, showing off his genitals, and you felt like, hmm, this might be something I’m interested in.

So tonight, after lights out, you’re going to sneak back into that monkey’s cage, strip naked, and just see what happens.

Turns out the little queer is gonna be crazy about you. He’s gonna jump all up on ya, grab your dick and give it a tug and do things you didn’t think monkeys could do. You won’t feel like you’re forcing things at all when it’s all going down – in fact you’ll feel a little bit violated but just how aggressive this monkey is.

When the two of you finish you’ll lay there, holding the monkey against your chest while the monkey grooms your meager chest hair, occasionally snickering at how odd you look. You’ll rub his belly and, for the first time in years, feel content.

Congratulations Monkeyfucker!