Most people would be embarrassed if they did what you’re about to do. But you won’t be. Not a smidge. Because this is going to get you in the paper, and that’s all you’ve ever really wanted.
Today, while bow hunting, you’re going to be sighting on a big stag, a majestic beast standing woods without a care in the world. You’ll feel as if you’re trespassing just looking at him, and this feeling that you’re committing a crime against nature just by trying to kill this wondrous creature.
This feeling will prove so distracting that it will lead to you fall upon your own bow and arrow, impaling yourself in the stomach. You’ll be in okay shape, as much as you can be at least. You’ll be able to call 9-1-1 and within forty minutes a team of paramedics will have you on a gurney and out of the woods. You’ll be fine and you’ll have a scar that makes it look like you had gastric bypass surgery.
You’ll get in the paper a few days later under the headline “Local Plant Rapist Impales Self on Own Arrow!”
Congratulations Clumsy Bow Hunter!
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