Congratulations on Eating All the Cheese!

Today you’re going to be a mouse. But you’re not just going to be any mouse. You’re going to be a red-blooded American mouse, one that loves to fuck, fight and eat and doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of him. So today, when the people whose house you live in go on vacation for three days out to Tahoe you’re going to do what any good American would do: take everything that isn’t nailed down.

At first you’ll just devise systems of conveyance to drag truly massive objects back to your mouse-house: bags of flour, sacks of rice. At one point you’ll even get a turkey, a real whole cooked turkey (half of one anyhow) back to your hole. But you won’t be able to actually get any of it inside. You’ll consider devising a means by which to destroy the wall blocking your path, or finding a way to rapidly shrink the products you’ve brought back with you by reducing them to much, much smaller pieces. But after a while this will grow tiresome, and you’ll wander back into the kitchen in search of something more manageable to steal.

You’ll catch sight of your chosen target almost immediately: a wheel of home-made mozzarella cheese cooling and congealing on the counter, completely uncovered by the slow witted (they’re both financial advisors) jackanapes that reside in this house with you.

Now we’re not fans of stereotypes. Sure, they pay most of our bills, but the reality of it is that mice actually really do love cheese. They love the shit out of it. They love it so much they can’t control themselves. Only the fear of death can remove them from their cheese-induced madness even briefly. And today you’re going be bereft of that fear of death. So you’re going to dive into that cheese, tiny mouth hanging open, and start chewing.

You’ll essentially swim through the warm mass of congealing bacteria, devouring it in whole mouthfuls. Each bite will strike you as a delicious treat that you and only you will ever know. You’ll be so enamored of this flavor that your mind will fog, your eyes will roll into the back of your head and you’ll lose consciousness within the cheese mass. Most of it will be devoured, concealed now within your horribly distended body, but the toll will have been high.

Your hubris, in believing you could consume that much cheese, will have undone you. And as you lay there, the world fading around you, you’ll want to shout “America!” at the top of your lungs. But you’re a mouse and you can’t use language, so you’ll just die.

Congratulations on Eating All the Cheese!