Congratulations on Wearing That Cap In a Fashion That Makes Us All Super Uncomfortable!

There’s a website we’re sure most of you are familiar with. It’s called Lesbians That Look Like Justin Bieber, and it’s dedicated to attractive young women who have sex with other young women and happen to strongly resembling a young man. It has broad appeal for obvious reasons. It allows people to indulge their inner queer and, most importantly, it lets them do so anonymously. If anyone catches them looking at LTLLJB they can even deflect it as humorous, because it involves cases of mistaken gender which many people find amusing.

The reason it’s totally cool for everyone, though, is because it’s anonymous. They can all be aroused and no one has to know it’s because they’ve got a little bit of gay in them. Everyone can keep moving with their lives without having to worry about being outed. But what you’re doing today isn’t so anonymous. So it’s nowhere near as cool for everyone impacted.

See today when you wake up you’re going to check out your sweet new buzz-cut in the mirror and decide that you’re not entirely sure you want to share it with the world. You’re worried that everyone’s just going to assume you’re a crazy butch dike and stare at you. So you decide to obfuscate their judgment with a gender concealing chapeau, a sweet ass red-plaid-over-gray cockney cap which makes it hard to tell whether you’re a man or a woman.

This, paired with your compact frame and your gender neutral style of dress it, makes it impossible to tell if you’re male or female until you undo the top three buttons on your shirt. Then it’s perfectly apparent, from the sunrise-worthy gap between your perfectly formed breasts, that you’re a girl. But even after this revelation looking at you kind of makes people uncomfortable.

See you cocked your cap, without even thinking about it, at this playful angle that makes it look like you’re just begging everyone you meet to take you back to their apartment and explore their inner freak whichever side of the fence they’re on. So even after folks see your tits they’re still tied to the idea of you as this gorgeous, gender neutral pixie and they want to drag you back to their cave and do unspeakable things to your unmentionable parts regardless of their usual inclination towards vaginas.

The end result is that everyone who looks at you feels super, super hot under the collar. You’re kind of a walking boner patrol today. Which is totally fine and great. The world needs more boners. But the egalitarian nature of the boners you spread will make us all super uncomfortable.

Not in the “oh god, pretty girl, freeze frame” way that so many of us are used to. Instead they’ll make us question our own sexuality in a number of ways that most adults have never really had to before. It’ll force every single person who stares longingly at your firm, shapely ass to question if they really like the parts they’ve been playing with all these years or if they were just making due until they got a chance to roll in the hay with you.

So today you’re not going to get laid, despite looking incredible and not knowing it. You’re not going to be hit on in any way. You’re just going to make a lot of people go home and wonder if they’ve been doing it all wrong all these years.

Congratulations on Wearing That Cap In a Fashion That Makes Us All Super Uncomfortable!