Congratulations on Having a Lifetime Movie Made About You!

At first you thought that being trapped in your home and systematically terrorized and raped by a werewolf was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. The sex was okay, fun if a little awkward, but the biting and clawing? Just not worth it. You still have scars.

But after the court settlement (he was normally a lawyer who decided he’d see if he enjoyed terrifying people instead of controlling himself while “wolfing out” so he managed to play the legal system just right and avoid prison) and the massive payments for various damages that you received as a result of the settlement things kind of slowed down for you. You grew accustomed to daily life, where people looked at you in a new light, the small town you lived in having heard tales of your werewolf rape.

After a while you grew frustrated and you decided to go on a rampage to Capitol Hill, which is just above where laws are made, and get some new laws made preventing “werewolfing it up” from being a defensible strategy for home invasion and rape. The decision will come down in your favor 4-3, largely because of your super-hot relationship with Elena Kagan (no anal, unfortunately, but like everything else).

You’ll be excited about the outcome, but that’ll pale in comparison to the excitement you’ll feel when you hear they’re making a Lifetime movie about you called “Furry Fury: A Tale of Sex, Violence and Independence.” As one of the network’s dozens of viewers you’ll immediately green-light the project and do everything you can to give them period accurate details of your life and habits leading up to and following those events which left you forever changed.

When the movie is finished you’ll be portrayed by a young comedic actress named Lizzy Caplan, who can play a surprisingly broad range of ages depending on what kind of hat she’s wearing. It’ll be surprisingly well received for a Lifetime movie, largely because of the werewolf elements of it, and the part where they show a PG-13 sex scene between Lizzy Caplan and some lady we can’t remember the name of who is supposed to be Justice Elena Kagan.

And you? You’ll be able to sit at home drinking a single glass of red wine for three and a half hours, smiling at yourself and thinking of how being savagely raped by that werewolf lawyer was really sort of a blessing in disguise. Kind of.

Congratulations on Having a Lifetime Movie Made About You!