Today, in an MIT lab under controlled conditions, you’re going to make an important discovery. You’ll be wearing a pair of jeans and a tattered old Jethro Tull t-shirt that was purchased for you by an ex-girlfriend of six years who knew how much you love Jethro Tull. You’ll be paired with Sheila, an attractive young woman wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and capri pants. You and Sheila will be observed by Professor Geraldine, who will be dressed more or less the same way you are because that’s actually how scientists dress. None of this suits and lab-coats shit.
He’ll be having you step progressively closer and closer towards one another, occasionally asking you to check in with your personal comfort levels. Then he’ll assess your levels of discomfort with a set of objective questions about ferrets.
When the test is finished we’ll have discovered that “too close” to Sheila for you is basically six inches away, which isn’t too surprising because you’ll be attracted to her and any closer than that she’ll be able to feel your erection.
“Too close” to you, however, will be around twenty meters, give or take. It’ll vary slightly depending on how recently you’ve bathed, and it’ll be used to justify a number of highly specific restraining orders in the near future. It will be based largely on the fact that you look like you have an erection and, at varying distances, the appearance of said erection generates variant levels of discomfort.
Professor Geraldine will be warded a fellowship, which he’ll put to use studying why men named Geraldine have so much trouble dating. Findings of this future study will be largely inconclusive, but science is nothing without risk.
Congratulations on Establishing Just How Close Too Close Is!
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