Congratulations Modern Day Kublai Khan!

Cultists in America are a dime a dozen. The byproduct of free speech is publicly displayed lunacy, and crazy people who want to be a part of something bigger than themselves will never shy away from an opportunity to match themselves with a charismatic madman. If that madman preaches a message of hope, all the better. And if he is a ruthless conquistador possessed of fearsome appetites then those cultists find purpose in his service.

So it will be with you.

By the time today rolls around you’ll be good and well set up. Thousands will have to come to stand under your banner and sleep under your tents. They’ll be rough men and women from all walks of life who have lost everything and, in their madness, believed that your dreams of slow boiling conquest were the best chance they had at a future. You’ll have spent the last few years as an aesthetic, denying yourself all pleasures for the sake of discipline, to make yourself the best of all possible warlords.

But today you’re going to wake up with a raging hard-on. This hard-on will govern your thoughts, as it does with so many men. It will force you on to your Addressing Platform and make you open your mouth and force words to pour out of it. There won’t be many words, but they’ll race out regardless.

“A pleasure dome,” will be the first three words. They’ll be followed by “I do decree.”

And after those quick six snips of language you’ll turn on your heel and stride back into your tent, dragging the most attractive of your female followers with you. The rest of the camp will trickle in, eventually building to deluge where they’ll begin copulating madly under your canvas roof.

With this act you’ll turn your surprisingly successful crazy militia centered around the idea that corn syrup is bad into the only militia movement in the history of the United States to ever get someone laid, and secure your place forever in the annals of cultist history.

Congratulations Modern Day Kublai Khan!