Congratulations on Molesting That Corpse!

Fame is a worthy goal. At least, in the minds of the disaffected loners who work in this office it’s a worthy goal. More functional men and women might consider the pursuit of fame above all else as a “petty” or “silly goal that will only lead to heartbreak. But you know what? Those people are chumps.

Those people don’t have what it takes to go into a graveyard late at night and dig up a corpse. They don’t have what it takes to rent a video camera and get their friend to film them while they do it. They definitely don’t have what it takes to edit and master that video and do a super classy voice over narration during the whole thing. And you can bet your ass and theirs that they don’t have the balls to put a corpse’s dick in their mouth.

But you do. And after you send that tape in to The Network tomorrow you’re going to explode like a bottle of acid on some crazy bitch’s face. They’ll receive it today and all the executives will watch it together in a conference room, which is normal and par for the course for Network executives.

“This man belong in prison,” one of the Network executives will say.

“I love it!” another Network executive will say, completely misunderstanding the previous Network executive. “Maybe we could get some other necrophiliacs in with him and make it a new reality show?”

“I think that could play pretty well,” a third Network executive will chime in.

A fourth Network executive will vomit into a trash-can, disgusted at the people around her.

“I’ll see about freeing up some funding and talking to some officials in various states,” a fifth Network executive will announce.

“Are you okay?” a sixth Network executive will ask the fourth Network executive.

And just like that you’ll be pulled out of your prison cell and dropped on to the TV, where you’ll place eighth in rankings and last a season and a half, enduring the horror that is cancellation just before you thought you were going to get a pardon for being such an awesome dude. C’est la vie.

Congratulations on Molesting That Corpse!