We watch plenty of Star Trek around here. A cursory examination of previous predictions should prove as much. But even we find it kind of hard to believe just what’s going to happen to you today. See you’re Kublai Khan, famed conqueror of the 13th century. And through a combination of ancient sorcery and romantic-comedy grade misunderstanding you’re going to be catapulted forward in time to the present day (today!)
You’ll arrive, for some weird reason, in downtown Seattle, where you’ll immediately begin terrorizing the incredibly mild residents of the jewel of the American Northwest. You’ll murder and rape and carve a bloody swath across town before Seattle’s police force finally assembles and politely asks you to stop your rampage.
You’ll ignore their requests, butchering their emissary and defiling his corpse in ways that even we consider unspeakable. This will prompt the authorities to enlist the aid of Wizards of the Coast and their impressive staff of mystics.
Wizards of the Coast will dump all of their resources into figuring out just how to get you the fuck out of our time and into a period where your behavior was considered par for the course rather than relentlessly dickish. They’ll spend three hours researching topics, scheduling meetings, and brainstorming before they use some crystals they harvested from the heart of a volcano and cast you back into the past, where you’ll live happily ever after.
Congratulations Actual Kublai Khan!
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