Congratulations Bond Villain!

Congratulations! Today you’re going to fulfill your career long dream by capturing and murdering James Bond!

You’ll capture him using, to no one’s surprise, an incredibly beautiful woman with an implausible name and lax morals. She’ll fall for him but, unlike most of the women he sleeps with, she’ll be a product of the American university system. As a result she’ll know the value of a dollar and realize that a man who slept with her out of a combination of boredom and a subconscious desire to spread syphilis isn’t worth risking her life for, and she’ll leave him hanging above your tank filled with vicious mutant dogfish.

Bond will taunt you while he hangs there and he’ll get your entire evil plot, more or less, out of by the time he’s done. But this time when you leave the room while he is slowly descended into the dog-fish pit (where he’ll be made to feel very uncomfortable by your mutant dogfish before dying of radiation poisoning due to the radiation you used to make them mutants) he won’t escape through a series of implausible deus ex machina.

Instead he’ll shout the name of the woman he slept with last night for five minutes, then pause for a while wondering where she is. Karen (the woman he slept with’s real name) will actually be in Seattle by then, paying for her father’s chemo bills with the money she received from you in exchange for sleeping with James Bond. When she doesn’t mystically appear James will start shouting the name of another woman he slept with.

Then another.

And so on.

He’ll finish shouting after two and a half days, just before he succumbs to radiation poisoning. You’ll occasionally check in on him, but by the end it’ll just seem kind of sad that he managed to seduce that many people and didn’t form a relationship with any of them that had even a scrap of meaning. In the end you’ll be the closest thing to a real friend he has, and as he gazes up at you from sunken eyes in his final, silent moments, too weak to speak, you’ll see that he recognizes it too.

Congratulations Bond Villain!