Congratulations on Your Stirring Rendition of Ballroom Blitz!

You normally don’t have much success with The Ladies™. There are lots of explanations, like your wooden leg, terrible breath and awful skin, but the real reason is your total lack of confidence. Chicks dig confidence and you don’t have any.

You don’t even have the balls to sign up for a solo karaoke night. No, you’ve got to sign up for a Rock Band concert with some pity friends from work who were kind of worried about you and still felt bad about giving you the leg so that you’ll be able to stand up on stage and sing your heart out without being singled out.

The four of you will arrive at the local pub where the contest is taking place to find a moderately sized crowd already waiting. They’ll run the gamut from drunk to super drunk, which will fill you with confidence. Confidence that will be smashed when you spot several attractive women in the crowd.

Cringing, you’ll step up to the bar and order some club soda to help open up your pipes. Then you’ll wobble back to your band to find them drinking heavily. This will further damage your confidence, until Shelly, your hot bassist with a heart of gold, slips some gin into your club soda.

After that you’ll feel a rush of confidence you’ve never known in your life before. The world will slow down and seem more peaceful, more ordered. Its jagged angles and aggressive paper shredding teams will seem like small prices to pay to live in a place of such beauty.

You’ll also be less nervous and actually observe the other performers. They’ll be universally awful, the plunks of missed notes and awkward pounding of the amateur drummers making the crowd wince. Most of the “bands” won’t even have a singer. You’ll snort a laugh to yourself, watching their efforts with growing drunkenness.

When you hear the name “Blazing Boners” called by the MC you and your team will swagger up to the stage, your stalwart, nerdy co-workers taking up their instruments with a completely inappropriate lack of gravitas. You, however, will step up to the microphone and take it off the stand, proudly announcing your intention to play Ballroom Blitz on Expert.

Then you’ll look back to Mark, the guitarist, and nod. He’ll nod back, flip his difficulty to expert, and the games will begin.

The lot of you will rock that song so hard that faces will melt. Or they would if any of the faces in the audience were made of plastic. But since you’re a Washington state resident there isn’t too much plastic surgery in the area and the faces of your observers will remain largely intact. But you’ll all five star the song and exit the stage to massive applause.

You’ll still be way too nervous to approach any of the women in the audience, but on the upside you’ll have made three new friends who now view you as a nice, nervous dude instead of a suicide risk. And right now that’s probably much better for you.

Also, work on the skin and breath and you might have a shot with Shelly. She’s got a thing for pirates.

Congratulations on Your Stirring Rendition of Ballroom Blitz!