Many’s the day you’ve spent dreading this task, and it’ll be all the worse for the wasted time. It was pretty bad to start with, a minefield of hummus and cottage cheese from the 1970s, but that’s what happens when you rent in Tucson.
So today you’ll borrow your cousin’s hazmat suit, put it on incorrectly and begin throwing away various food items that, to the best of your knowledge, have been there since the house was constructed.
It’ll go alright, except for one part where something corrosive gets through the suit and on to your skin. That’ll burn horribly and fill the suit with a revolting smell, like rotten cabbage and vomit mixed together. It’ll make you barf, which will help because as an alcoholic you find the odor of your own vomit soothing, but the entire affair will be grisly, if less so then you imagined.
That is, until the end. As you turn your back to haul out the trash bag filled with shit that belongs in a medical waste container a leafy green tendril of ooze and vegetable matter will slither from the back of your fridge and wrap itself around your torso. Then it will pull you back into the fridge where you’ll discover first hand what goes on in there when the door is closed.
Congratulations on Cleaning Out Your Fridge!
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