Congratulations on Being Pope for a Day!

In an effort to shore up dwindling numbers the Vatican has recent initiated a contest allowing one of the faithful to become Pope for a day. On this day you’ll go about the normal Popely duties AND be able to tell the Pope to do anything you like (except renounce Catholicism).

As a lifelong non-Jewish, white Boston resident you are, of course, Catholic, and on Thursday you’ll be selected from the millions of followers to become Pope for a day. It will be the proudest moment in the history of the Medford public school system and your big chance to see a girl’s boobs for the first time, theoretically, because Italian women are way hotter and looser than Americans, or so you’ve heard.

But when you arrive in Italy you’ll come to discover that the Papal state has a general lack of poon in it, and that the powers of the Pope don’t really relate to getting chicks to take their tops off. Instead you’ll learn a lot about the duty of interpreting belief for millions of people and the purpose and pressure inherent in operating an organized religion. You’ll see how much the Catholic church is like a business and how each day is a struggle for them to boost flagging membership and dodge criticism for missteps both past and present.

You’ll be incredibly bored by the entire experience and it will be nothing like the movie based on the events, which will feature way more hilarious coming of age antics and a much less cute Jonathan Lipnicki who really needs the work. It’ll receive lackluster box office returns and break even following its DVD release.

When you go back to your life absolutely nothing will be different, although you’ll be even more bored by your visits to church than you were before.

Congratulations on Being Pope for a Day!