Congratulations on Spicing Your Love Life Up!

The real intimacy will begin when the two of you start to fasten one another’s safety harnesses. Up until then the sexual tension will have been non-existent, your nudity clinical. It’ll be very obvious that the instructor is uncomfortable with the way he’s shuffling his feet and avoiding direct eye contact with either of you, but he’ll be too polite to say anything. He won’t even give you a quick note on how unsafe what you’re about to do is, unless you’re a premature ejaculator.

Instead he’ll just shake his head, hand the two of you a waiver while staring off at a span of wall near the pilot and tell you to get ready.

The nylon straps will cut into your naked flesh. You’ll feel the marks they’re going to leave after you’ve finished and it’ll turn you on almost as much as the anticipation of the act itself. You’ll already see them as a badge of honor, a little blue and purple stretch of skin where you can point and say “See this? Yeah, we got this falling out of an airplay. MID COITUS!”

When the two of you leap you’ll have to take a few seconds to come together. That’ll be sort of rough on your junk, but you’ll manage to catch one another and hold on for dear life. Then you’ll awkwardly clamber together and begin the difficult task of getting hard while screaming through the sky.

It won’t work at first, which is why your wife will literally pull the ripcord, stalling the two of you in the sky and whipping your head back so that you barely maintain consciousness.

This will eliminate most of the mental blocks you have barring you from getting an erection in midair, in clear view of an air show with a woman you’ve been cheating on for months now with her best friend. Your wife will notice almost immediately and hop on your concussion induced erection and go to town.

You’ll have finished by the time the two of you reach the ground, but you’ll be largely unaware of your premature performance or the things you mumbled into your wife’s ear during the intimate descent. When she finally reaches the ground she’ll wait a full minute before trying to dig out her cell phone, deciding that even if she leaves you she doesn’t want your death on her conscience.

Congratulations on Spicing Your Love Life Up!