We apologize for the blanket nature of these predictions, as well as their brevity, but we’ve been swamped with “other stuff” we all have going on and, as a result, have not been able to meet our normal “telling you about your hideous fate” quotas.
As such we regret to inform you, on such brief notice, that anyone who did not participate in yesterday’s public singing exercise will be suddenly and violently raped by Tom Sizemore this evening. Mister Sizemore, while glad for the work, is generally angry and as such will likely not be gentle.
We recommend gritting your teeth or lubricating your asshole prior to sleeping. More adventurous readers might consider packing a razor blade up there, but then you risk the Wrath of Sizemore if things don’t work out the way you hope.
Whatever happens you brought this on yourself by disappointing Leslie Feist.
Congratulations on Being Raped by Tom Sizemore!
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