Congratulations Dough Jones!

Everyone knows that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is a listing compiling the overarching performance of a number of blue chip stocks in order to generate a microcosmic overview of market performance, but critics of the system contend that it has little or no value in a rapidly diversifying, decentralizing marketplace.  So what's an absurdly wealthy person with few or no practical skills to do when the shit inevitably hits the fan?  Die in poverty?  Fuck that!

Today you've decided to get ahead of the game by inventing your own system of projection and interpretation: the Dough Jones Industrial Average.  Where the Dow Jones aggregates arbitrary data, your new system will be bread based.  See, you'll bake a number of loaves of bread and then carve the names of various companies into them.  Then you'll rank potential performances from these companies based on mold growth over a period of weeks.

At first, your system of prediction will be criticized for being incredibly ill conceived, lacking any sort of meaningful data-based consideration at any point, but after one week, after three months of idiotic predictions, where your system correlates briefly to market performance, an investor will purchase exclusive rights to your predictions for the next decade for an exorbitant amount of money.  You'll lose your moldy bread in the trade, but you'll never have to work again, which is all you ever really wanted out of being an investment-type-person.  Likewise, your sale of your predictive system will cloak you somewhat from the rage that will emerge following the market collapse predictions based on your "bread based economic indicator" will cause in the years to come.

Congratulations Dough Jones!