Blondes get plenty of hate, and hating redheads has
essentially become a sport for Western culture, but one group has managed to
largely escape arbitrary ire simply by merit of being one of the largest
segments of the caucasian population inhabiting the Western world today:
Brunettes. Oh, those ill-defined and
generic brunettes, with their hair and their eyebrows and probably some other
defining characteristics, those brunettes are out there in the world, with hair
that isn't flashy or especially drab, with the ability to sink into a crowd at
a moment's notice without the slightest provocation or penance. Brunettes, those damned harridans, have never
gotten the hate they deserved.
That is, until they met you.
Today you'll be launching your new website:
brunettehate.org. On it you'll post
facts, all of the made up, about how brunettes are inferior swine who should be
burned off the face of the earth. Some
of your "facts" will be supported by Jezebel articles intended to
induce fury in all peoples, women in particular. All of them will be terribly offensive on a
deep, fundamental level, not only to brunettes, who will be disgusted by the
terrible things you say, but by blondes, who will be offended by the ostensibly
positive things said about them, redheads, who, old hands at being offended,
will have no trouble finding things to take offense to in their portion of the
website, and people of color, who will be offended at your David Duke-esque
racism.
The end result will be a torrent of hate speech directed
back at you, even as you protest that "you were just trying to do what was
best for the white race" and "that brunettes are subhuman shit demons
who can't be trusted even a little, and this response is proof of just
that."
All things considered, it'll be business as usual on the
internet and, given the number of clicks you'll get over the next twenty-four
hours (before your domain provider decides to take down your website forever in
an unprecedented act of self-censorship) you'll be able to make a solid bid for
a position at Jezebel. Just remember
their slogan during your upcoming job interview: "Jezebel.com: where shouting
is indistinguishable from dialogue."
Congratulations Brunette Hater!
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