Wilford Brimley is a great man. He fights the good fight against a
heartbreaking disease of excess and, simultaneously, serves as a mouthpiece for
an industry dedicated to little else.
Such is the life of Wilford Brimley, a life of unconscious internal conflicts
and movement towards a sort of quiet madness that leads men with nothing left
to lose to smile at how desolate the world around them has grown.
You are not Wilford Brimley.
You will never know this strange and wonderful madness. But you look, like, exactly like him. Your name is Wilfred Brumley and you're a
Wilford Brimley impersonator.
Today you're going to show up at the birthday party of a
baffled child and begin shouting "I WAS IN COCOON GOD DAMNIT!" After an hour and a half, the parents of the
birthday boy will insist that you leave, and will refuse to pay you the
"appearance fee" you'll demand.
You'll argue with them for a while, but you'll leave when they threaten
to call the police. You'll spend the bus
ride back to the apartment you share with three dozen cats mumbling about
diabetes to yourself. No one will talk
to you, or even look at you too close, which is unfortunate, because if they
did, and if they were of a certain age, they'd realize that you totally look
exactly like Wilford Brimley.
Congratulations Wilford Brimley Impersonator!
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