You'll be crowned while standing under an awning, a lit
cigarette dangling from your mouth while you diddle with your smartphone. You won't look up, won't acknowledge the
swell of humanity passing around you.
When the referee walks up to you and gives you the trophy, you'll just
shrug at him. You won't even bother
taking your hands off your phone, you'll just stand there clutching it, typing
some stupid bullshit to some stupid asshole.
He'll have to leave the trophy on the ground at your feet.
This won't be an isolated incident. This will be the product of decades of
dipshittery on your part, the terminus of years upon years of foul, antisocial
behavior, of cultivated concern for appearances meshed with a carefully
maintained detachment from said cultivated concern. That'll be why you constantly have cigarettes
in your mouth but never inhale, why you stare at people on the bus but never
speak to them. Your life will, in a very
real sense, be an amalgam of shitty behavioral patterns that no one's ever
bothered to beat out of you.
Today you'll reinforce that pattern of behavior through the
method you receive the award, the highest conceivable honor, for your awful,
atrocious way of life which is socially acceptable only in a contemporary
context that has evolved to minimize the acknowledgment of the shared humanity
of all people. Later, after you're
positive the referee has left, you'll stop pretending to text someone and pick
up the award. You'll carry it under your
jacket (vintage from a designer thrift store) and take it into your sparsely
decorated, tiny, exorbitantly expensive apartment. There you'll set it inside of a locking cabinet
with a reinforced door, along with a photograph of the girl that broke your
heart and the first CD you ever bought.
This secret shrine to the person you were before you abandoned your
humanity will remain locked, but you, fearful you, will remember it always, as
you pose outdoors, hoping to be seen, praying to be noticed.
Congratulations Dipshit Champion!
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