Congratulations on Ruining Your Skin Health!

There are a lot of great products you can use to fight acne, but remember: when a product promises to "burn acne away in a fiery inferno of pain" you might want to avoid using it if you have sensitive skin.  See, when it arrives today in the mail, you're not going to bother looking at its ingredients, which will include, among things like "whale semen" and "orange juice from concentrate," "sulfuric acid."  If you'd read through that list, you might've thought better of smearing it on your face.

But you won't read through it, and you'll just slather it on in a big old handful.  Your face will begin tingling immediately.  Your hands will take a little longer.  You'll just think "it must be working," thanks to Proactiv's "burning is working" philosophy, but after a few minutes you'll look in the mirror and, instead of ruddy red cheeks, you'll see black swatches forming on your skin.  They'll be growing steadily, second by second, so you'll do what any sensible person would do: you'll wash your face.

Unfortunately, the addition of water to the mix will initialize a reaction with one of the more obscure chemicals in the mix, something called "hydroexplosia," which, when in a very particular balance with water is entirely inert.  Unfortunately, if that balance is at all interrupted, it bursts into flames.

You'll have interrupted the balance something fierce, so that acid will be spreading with the water and the fire across your skin, and as you stand there screaming your neighbors will start knocking on the wall against yours, shouting at you to shut the fuck up.  Between the screams you'll gulp air and shout back "sorry."  That vicious pattern of agony and apology will continue for around twenty minutes until finally the acid and the fire burn to the muscle and you black out.

When you wake up, your face will be a horror show, a mass of exposed flesh and tendons.  Your breath will come out in rasps as flesh hangs in strips across your cheeks down to your jawbone.  Only your nose will have survived the ordeal.  It'll be there in the mirror with  fresh stress pimple right on the tip, the last vestige of flesh on your face.

Congratulations on Ruining Your Skin Health!