Youtube videos are awesome.
Everybody knows it. Your parents
know it. Your little sister knows
it. Hell, even SNL knows it. Thanks to their patented “let’s rip off
youtube” approach to comedy they’ve gone from being a national embarrassment to
being funny again.
But there’s a subsection of Americans and unimportant people
in other places who still don’t know about Youtube: people without the
internet. Recent studies have shown that
people most of us have never and will never meet actually don’t have the
internet. These people cannot appreciate
the glory that is bite sized internet comedy.
They know nothing of Star Wars Kid, Keyboard Cat or Dennis After
Dentist.
You’ve decided to make it your goal in life to correct this
ill: you take the best Youtube clips out there, cut them together and then make
DVDs of said clips. Then you drive
around the United States to gas stations, various Asian sub-settlements
(including, but not limited to, Chinatowns, Koreatowns and Pakistantowns) and
high schools, selling copies of these Youtube clips to anyone who hasn’t seen
them before.
The bulk of your customers are elderly, too old to really
learn how to use the internet, but capable of appreciating its glory all the
same. Some are children who constantly
have their internet access turned off for buying porn. And a handful are felons, who can only use
their internet connections in prison for dating and writing letters to sexy
widows. All of them appreciate what you
do.
But Youtube video creators aren’t quite as universally
satisfied with your service. Some of
them are happy, sure. But some are irked
to be discluded. Others think that they
should be paid for their Youtubings. A
handful believe that you are the devil and must die for Christ to be reborn.
One of this last subsection is going to catch up with you
outside of West Reseda Middle School. He’s
going to be carrying a massive revolver and wearing a robe like a Francescan
monk. One of his friends will be filming
him from a safe distance as he walks up to you as you hand DVDs out from a
garbage bag and taps you on the back with his gun.
“Time to die, Satan,” he’ll say. Then he’ll shoot you in the chest. Then he’ll move to turn the gun on himself,
but before he has the chance middle schoolers will begin piling on top of him,
hammering their terrifying little fists into him, resting his gun away and
hitting him with it repeatedly until he’s subdued. Then they’ll take turns shooting at his lower
extremities and torso until the police arrive.
You’ll be dead by the time they get there, but take solace
in the fact that this video will be uploaded the next day and instantly “go
viral,” so even though your physical body will be very, very dead, your legacy
will endure forever. Or at least, for a
while yet.
Congratulations Youtube Video Pirate!
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