You’re going to wipe out hard. Not trying to do a fancy trick. Just riding down the street while you text
and running into a curb. That’ll send
you hurtling headlong into the ground at just the right angle so that your head
will collide with concrete while your body hits the soft portion of median
separating the curb from the sidewalk.
It’ll be hilarious.
A passerby will catch the whole thing on her cellphone and
upload it to Youtube on the spot. By the
end of the day you’ll be in the ICU under observation for a concussion and the
video of your hilariously serious injury will have over a million views. Within three days you’ll be out of the
hospital and the video will exceed five hundred million views. After that you’ll become a meme and explode
in popularity. A week after the incident
you’ll get a link through Facebook to the video, starring you. That’ll be the first time you see it.
You’ll watch it wincing at how stupid you were. It was an honest mistake, one plenty of
skateboarders have made over the decades, but those skateboarders were lucky
enough to not be recorded while they brutalized themselves with a total lack of
situational awareness. Your twinned
misfortunes will combine to make you wish you were someone, anyone else for at
least two weeks.
That is, before you get an invitation to go on Boing Boing
to discuss being an incidental viral video star. This’ll lead to you and Xeni “boing boinging”
and the single most rewarding romance of your adult life.
It will only last a month, but the same can be said of your
viral video fame, which will form a considerably less pleasant memory in your
old age.
Congratulations Faceplanting Skateboarder!
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