Congratulations on Growing an Incredible Beard!

We don’t mean “grow a really nice looking beard.”  Your beard looks like garbage, just so you know.  Absolute garbage.  You couldn’t make it look worse if you tried.  A rapist beard would look better.  A teenager who grew a rapist beard would look better than you.

But your beard does do something that defies credulity, thus making it truly, truly incredible in the most literal sense of the word.  Your beard violates Euclidian geometry, curling itself at odd angles, twisting back upon itself and forever bending light back to its source in a way that makes it tough to look at you without throwing up.

Scientists will study your beard, learning about new dimensions, dimensions that our brains quiver at the very concept of.  With time, this knowledge will help us become more as a species.  Maybe even visit other worlds, since space travel is generally easier when you know more about space.

So even though you’re not going to get laid for at least a year and your beard makes it tough for people to look at you without vomiting, we beseech you not to shave it off.  If only so we can offer you this, our most heartfelt of thanks for forever reshaping our understanding of the world.

Congratulations on Growing an Incredible Beard!