Congratulations Bosom Buddies Fan 69!

Online dating is tough. Especially when your profile is designed to proudly announce your love of the seminal 1980 sitcom that launched Tom Hanks’ career and the act of performing oral sex on a partner who is also performing oral sex on you.  It’s not that these things aren’t universally beloved: they are!  But they aren’t necessarily things you announce about yourself upon meeting.

That means your OkayCupid profile, which primarily centers around your love of 80s TV and a sense of sexual openness, has been a barren wasteland of no messages for nigh on three months now.  You take quizzes and answer questions and find matches, but none of them seem to pan out and become dates.

But today you’re going to get a message from a young woman.  Her profile picture will show her stretching out a t-shirt as big as it can go, making a mockery of the concept of obesity, as she beams outward at the world.  The shirt will have a screenprinting of Balki and Larry embracing uncomfortably.  Her other pictures will consist mostly of her wrapped in blankets in front of televisions.

Hey, her message will proudly announce, I’d love to hang out with you and drink beers and maybe watch TV if you’re down please let me know on here you seem cool!

Her frantic sentence will warm your heart.  Her come hither look will make you message her back right away with a:

i’d love to meet you

and then two nights later you’ll be there at her house in Southeast Portland, a six pack of Deschutes in one hand, a nervous smile on your face.

You’ll sit on that couch and watch Night Rider and Three’s Company and reaching over to her knee after three beers and letting your hand rest there underneath her hand and then letting her lean in and awaiting the moment before the moment where PerfectStranger88 lets her lips rest on yours and for a moment the television of the 80s isn’t the only endearingly stupid thing in the room because the two of you will, for a few moments, become the kind of people we love and find annoying instead of the kind of people who just annoy the shit out of us.

Congratulations Bosom Buddies Fan 69!