So your speculums come “pre-herpes-ed” to cater to a
non-existent audience that wants to prove that they have herpes. There have been worse ideas in the world.
Wait, sorry. We just
checked and that’s actually not true.
Even yesterday’s idea was better than that. The Holocaust was a better idea than you
selling speculums infected with herpes, and we don’t mean to make light of the Holocaust
while making that statement. What we’re
saying is that your stupidity is of a magnitude that exceeds what is arguably
the single most profoundly disturbing human tragedy in recorded history and
certainly the most horrible one in recent memory.
Women who have herpes don’t want to tell anyone they have
herpes, even their OBYGN. They do so
reticently at best. And OBGYNs don’t
have trouble remembering who had which speculum in them in general. In fact, if they’re practicing medicine properly,
they’re ideally sterilizing each speculum before and after each use. Generally you don’t want to share vaginal
secretions anonymously. It’s kind of a
bad idea.
And even though it’s only one product, it’s going to be such
an unsettling and unnecessary concept, paired with even the slightest potential
that you might accidentally label and ship a speculum with herpes in place of a
nice, normal sterile speculum, that your business is going to collapse
literally overnight because of it.
An injunction from the FDA will require you to cease and
desist the production, sale and shipment of any speculums or products related
to women’s reproduction health pending additional information. This injunction will be passed within hours
of your “herpes speculum” announcement, marking one of a handful of times that
the FDA has actually responded to a threat to American health in a timely and
appropriate manner.
Suffice it to say, you’ll be ruined. But at least you’ll have shored up our faith
in one of America’s most dysfunctional institutions!
Congratulations Disgraced Speculum Manufacturer!
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