Many’s the tale been told of you and your ilk! The quaint lil’ creatures what dwell within
the limits of the labia, the mischief makers within the baby maker, the
non-buns inside the oven. Mystery has
always shrouded the mystical vagina, which male scientists (the ones who
matter) know next to nothing about, but one thing we’ve known for many a decade
is that tiny little elves, like you, live inside a vagina. Your mood, health and financial well being
all effect the ability of a woman to achieve orgasm, conceive a child and, in
many states, vote, but no one knows how exactly.
Until today. Today
you’re going to emerge from your vagina (which belongs to Dorace Kearns
Goodwin, celebrated presidential historian) and announce to the world that
after centuries of silence, the vagina elves have collectively spoken and want
to release a book. This book will
explain the rich cultural history of vagina elves, the wants and needs of these
elves and the science behind how vagina elves impact vaginal health.
It’ll also reveal that vagina elves are responsible for
several STIs, including syphilis, gonorrhea, Chlamydia and AIDS.
The last one will be particularly surprising, but the
revelation will carry with it the knowledge that vagina elves, instrumental in
causing AIDS, can also help to cure it.
You’ll spin the book as a genuine attempt to extend an olive branch to
humanity and give them knowledge that will allow them to cure diseases, correct
weather patterns and finally get their wives off. In reality, it’ll be an attempt to get some
much needed cash flowing your way following a disastrous series of bets with
another vagina elf.
When the vagina elf council discovers your move, they’ll go
after your hide, so your best shot is to make this book a best-seller and
remain in the spotlight as prominently as you can. Because the moment they can get away with it,
the vagina elves will kill you for spilling their secrets and informing humans
of the true cause of AIDS.
Better find a good ghost writer. Don’t hire anyone in our office.
Congratulations Vagina Elf!
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